Oh, the angst of being a teenager.
I think I heard Ms. Harper tell our class that you never really know anything until you write it. And it's true, because otherwise your thoughts are just one big muddle of... thoughts.
So here goes:
Sometimes, I really just feel like a blob of tissue, bones, blood, muscles, fat, and whatever else makes up a human body. I feel like I don't have my own set of opinions because whenever someone sets up a counterargument, I can always relate to what they have to say too. I wish I was so strongly opinionated in ONE topic that I would never change my view, no matter what anyone else said to refute my beliefs. But at the same time, I like my lack of judgment, the ability to be completely objective and just listen/understand people for what they have to say.
A good example of this can be seen in Gov. I am honestly probably the most moderate moderate ever known because I don't believe in politics and in the end, I'm not sure that any side can really get what they want anyways. When I was reading a list of made up bills, I was already making a list of pros and cons, what my initial opinion was and then immediately after, a counterargument against it. Politics/life isn't as one sided as people make it up to be.
I think sometimes I THINK that I have my own set of beliefs, but I feel like I can be so easily persuaded/influenced to see the other side and then accept it. Am I just growing up or conforming to society? Maybe the better question is, why does it matter which one I am?
I feel like I always need a straightforward answer to everything. I need everything so black and white, good and bad, and maybe that's where I get this internal struggle. Because I know that my answers can't be so straightforward... but I'm demanding them to be.
Because I'm so lost, I feel like I don't have my own opinions because they're really just the opinions that my parents/friends have put on me. But how do I know my own opinions until I get the chance to have experiences on my own?
I want to trust the validity of my parents, because they are so loving and good towards me, but there's also a part of me that wants - no, needs - to experience life by myself. I wish I could have enough balls to just go out there and experience everything there is to experience... but at the same time, I tell myself that I'm lucky to have parents who look out for me and really want the best for me. And then, right after, I feel the desire to have parents who are not so conservative, parents who would let me make mistakes for myself and who would want me to live the "typical" teenage life.
I guess the most disheartening thing about this all is that I'm really not alone. Probably every single teenager has felt exactly what I'm feeling right now... but how come I feel like everyone else has taken a stronger stand than I have?
[And I'm sure these feelings are really based on time too. Two days from now, I'll feel ridiculous for posting this because I'll feel completely content with doing homework on Fridays, worrying about my future, and I'll scold myself for making myself believe that I am more exciting/bold/adventurous than I really am. But then again... maybe 2 weeks from now, I'll feel an even stronger need to do something wild and rebellious, to try something new...]
[Maybe this is the reason I hate talking about myself/trying to define myself... because honestly, I'm a huge paradox. I feel like I don't know myself, so how could anyone else? How can people paint this image of me as an [insert label here] if I don't really believe that myself? I guess before you, (myself included, of course) make any conclusions about anyone else, it's a good thing to really step back and reevaluate yourself and who you are to make any assumptions... but then again maybe that's the reason why I can never decide anything for myself too...]
[How can I trust anyone but myself to know what's best for me?]
Hahaha. I'm guessing this stemmed from our conversation earlier, at least part of it. Girl, the fact that you don't look at the world from one side is what makes you so unbelievably accepting of everybody. There's nothing wrong with that. And for the experiencing life part? Everyone feels that way sometime or the other: just like how, at least I now think, everyone will begin to wonder about the existence of God in their own time in their own way, we have to question what we "believe" in sometime or the other. I don't think Teenagers ever fully understand what they want or what they feel. Don't worry, kiddo, we're still learning.
ReplyDeleteP.S. I talked to my dad about the thing we talked about at the gym, and just told him that I want to be honest with him about it if I decide to try it out, and he was like I'd rather you do it in the house, so I was like so I can have a bunch of my friends doing it at the house? And he was like I wouldn't want to be liable, so I won't "know about it." So we have a location if we want to do it. Oh the irony.
I LOVE YOU STOP THINKING SO MUCH GO TO SLEEP