God

I am ridiculous sometimes, I really am.
I am continually trying to prove to myself that God exists. For me, my faith depends on circumstances, which is horrible, I know. But it's only when things go according to MY plans, when MY life life is good that I can believe that God is real.
The "bargains" that I make with the Creator of the universe are terrible. "God, if you really exist, then you would give me an A in Stats. God, I promise that I'll believe you're real if I get an A in Stats... because there's no way that I could get an A without you, right? Sounds like a good deal, right God?"

And then I do get the 89.8%, an A-, in Stats but I find myself doubting that it's God. I mean, I did study hard... maybe I don't give myself enough credit, etc.



The point is, when am I going to stop depending on my circumstances to determine my faith and love for God? When will my love be unconditional? When will I praise God even when I don't get what I thought I needed/wanted? It's scary to think about how much God has blessed me with up to this point... and how seemingly little I've really given back. And it just seems that until the time when my life starts to seriously feel out of my control, I'll never truly believe with my entire heart that God exists. I just wish I wouldn't have to wait until that point...