Defense Mechanisms

It would be honestly so much easier to leave if I wasn't close to anybody. As the number of weeks I have in California dwindle down, I can't help but feel like I'm not going to have enough time to do the things I want to with the people that matter the most to me. I know it's selfish to want to spend so much time with everyone who I feel close to, especially when I know that we'll stay close, but it really will be different when we meet again because everyone will change and so will I.


Unfortunately, I have this defense mechanism where when I feel too close to someone, I just put some distance back between us. It's honestly not what I want, but just something that I do because it guarantees that I won't get hurt down the road. I should be more confident that the people who I let in won't hurt me, but I think I'm just a worst case scenario believer in regards to myself. I really don't know how to change this about myself because it's the way I think and the way that I have thought for basically my entire life. That scares me sometimes - knowing that I can't even control exactly what I think at all times. I really do admire articulate people... people who know exactly how to express themselves, what words to use, and how to arrange every detail so carefully.

I don't doubt my decision and my inner voice telling me that Oxford will be the best place for me... but sometimes I can't help but wonder what it would be like to just stay within the safety of what and who I know. But deep down, I think I know I wouldn't have stayed in California even if for some reason, I had applied to UCs. I feel like getting out of California and getting to explore a different place and starting off knowing absolutely nobody is an experience that I need to have.

When I take a step back, I really am just saying thanks. I have been so blessed for the past 17 years and I know I will continue to be blessed during this new chapter of my life.

And on a completely different note, I can't find my iPod... but I have my earphones, which means it should be in my car or in my bag so that I could listen to it in my car. Mysterious...